Two guys walk into a bar
by Scimitarmoon
Summary: Two guys walk into a bar at the end of the universe and share a drink and the weight of their woes. Jack and the 9th Doctor meet prior to the series 1, and get so plastered they won’t remember a thing. A Tori Amos songfic. Revised.


Warnings: swearin' and drinkin' in excess.

Disclaimers: you know.

Summary: A songfic to Things Fuck Up Sometimes by Tori Amos. Two guys walk into a bar. A chance meeting between future comrades, one who can't remember, and one who can't forget.

* * *

Two guys walk into a bar.

The Tavern At the End of the Universe was, is, or will be, the drunken alternative to the more popular and better known (and far more respectable) Restaurant at the End of the Universe. Time travellers who couldn't bear the cheerful atmosphere and alcohol limit of the Restaurant stumbled into the smoky hues of the tavern on a regular basis and sat themselves at a dirty steel table to weep into a pint as the final curtain drew on all existence. The cold, nihilistic atmosphere of the tavern was a world away from the smatterings of applause and universal gaiety of the Restaurant.

A pasty ginger-haired girl banged out a sorrowful melody on an out of tune honky-tonk in the corner, and sung:

"Things fuck up sometimes.

You know they do

You know they will"

"What's so bloody great about the end of the universe?" Said one guy to the other.

The other guy sat in contemplation for a moment or two, "Everything goes, all together and nothing gets left out. My world's gone, but it's alright, 'cause so's yours and everyone else's." he said.

Two blokes sat at a bar, watching the universe blaze through the portal behind the bar, next to it Billy the Bass the singing plastic fish sang an ironic rendition of 'Always look on the Bright Side of Life'. Two blokes with more than their fare share of troubles, but nothing in common; the first guy with a tangy American accent ordered five hyper vodkas.

"you got the wine  
you got the mm-mm-mm-mm, shine…"

"That's a lot of problems." The other guy said glumly. Where was that accent from? Earth…twentieth, twenty-first century? The North of England?

"Five hyper vodkas and I wake up tomorrow feeling a lot better in bed with two or three hot people in a nice hotel. I'm a time agent. I woke up a week ago with two years of my life gone from my memory." the first guy moaned, "top that."

"you're very there

and he's never on time"

"Five hyper vodka's and you'll wake up in bed with several strangers and _three _years gone from your memory." The Northern guy said, staring into an empty mug. "I need another one. Or two, hey miss," he gestured toward the barmaid. "a pitcher of the strongest stuff you've got."

"Just for you?" The bar maid didn't look surprised. "You know troubles and woes know how to swim." She smiled sympathetically and poured out an entire pitcher, "there you go love, try not to choke on your own vomit later."

"I'll try," The Northern guy said, ashen faced.

"Like I said," the American guy continued, "top that."

The Northern guy slumped over and let his head drop onto the bar with a painful thud.

"I said  
things fuck up sometimes, boys  
you know they do  
you know they do"

"What do you know about the Time War?" The Northern guy said, his voice muffled by the crook of his arm.

"Not much, but I'm guessing that it's not just a myth."

"My world , Gallifrey. It was destroyed."

The American guy didn't know what to say, he sat in silence for a brief time, staring at the singing fish. At last he responded, "Damn."

"Yeah, just a bit." The other guy sat up again, poured himself a glass and downed it with ambition. "Sod it. All the booze in the galaxy can't wash away a whole world. I can't forget it. So many people, so much life, and it's all gone."

"and you're right there, ready  
ring-a-ding-a-ding  
it's mother dear  
see that little thing-a-zing,"

"Well, don't we make an ironic pair?" The American guy said, "by the way, you can call me Jack."

"Great." Another glass.

Jack drank two hyper vodkas and the world began to spin. "What can I call _you_?"

"Nothing. And you know what," The other guy said, his eyes red. "It's all my fault. I took a chance, pushed a button, and they all paid for it."

"Boy," Jack gasped, his tongue loosening, "shit happens."

"things fuck up sometimes"

"Like the song says, things fuck up." Jack said, drinking his third hyper vodka.

"My world was destroyed, and all you can say is things fuck up?" The other guy said, his red eyes glistening woefully in the darkness.

"That's all the chick at the piano can say." Jack sighed, "I'm probably going to sleep with her later."

"I bet."

"Anyway, like you said, it's all gone now. This is the end of the universe, everyone's dead except for a few time travellers like us, all together, pissed as hell." Jack patted the other guy's shoulder. "Look, the universe is gone now, with all our troubles too." They gazed out of the portal as the last star went out and space descended into complete darkness. Time, matter, energy, all gone. "It kinda makes me wonder sometimes, what's the point of existence, of life if it all disappears into nothingness."

"All that suffering and struggling and strife for nothing?" The other guy said.

"Life's a peace of shit, when you look at it" Billy the Bass sang.

"But it's not really for nothing, I think. Not all of it anyway." The other guy continued, "All that life, billions of years of evolution still happened, even though it all goes eventually and no one's around to remember, it still happened and nothing can wipe that away. Gallifrey _was _there, and it was beautiful, it can't be undone."

"Dude, that's deep. Wanna go screw in the toilets?"

"Not really, the toilets in here are vile." The other guy rubbed his eyes with his palms, "but it went before it's time, Gallifrey, it wasn't ready to die and now it's left me all alone and it's all my fault."

"things fuck up sometimes  
you know, know they do  
you know they do…"

Jack drank the last two vodkas and all sense and feeling rushed away from him; somehow he managed to successfully seduce pianist and the next morning he woke up in her bed with no idea who she was or what he'd done the previous day, and still, he could not remember the last two years of his life.

The other guy, the Doctor, didn't remember that conversation, or that night either; he crawled into the TARDIS a few minutes after Jack staggered out, his arm draped around the shoulders of the red haired girl, and fell asleep on the floor. Eight hours of unconsciousness, all that alcohol, and yet when he awoke, and every waking moment after, still he could not forget.


End file.
